SkipDidThis

Skip, in a nutshell

My wife boasts that she’s married to ‘the Biggest Liar in Texas’. Admittedly, I’ve often stretched the truth like stepped-on bubblegum on a hot sidewalk. While doling out alternate facts like cards from a marked deck, I’ve dealt my lies to audiences of hundreds. My goal has been ribbons, trophies, and sometimes money, although the real reward for my trail of deceit has been laughter and applause. All of this, simply because I’m a very good liar, or more succently, a good teller of tall tales. So good, in fact, I guest-lectured at a Texas A&M study of Folk Lore. I’ve been invited to present one of my tall tales, which cleverly deals with numbers, to a group of high school math students. I’ve spun so many yarns over the years, I’ve collected all of my original tall tales into a book, titled, A Lie is a Lie, is a Lie, Because You’re Not Telling It Right. 

Truthfully, I’d be lying if I said that much of my lies are double-dyed prevarications. Mark Twain, once said, “Truth is stranger than fiction.” Reading my tall tale, Name Calling, you’ll find this tale isn’t all that tall. The location, characters, and most of the methods parents devised to call their kids home were real. The elementary school remains to this day, right across the street from the house where I grew up.

On cool summer nights, a group of us kids would lie in the middle of the ball field and watch satellites and shooting stars until someone’s dad yelled,  “BEDTIME.” 

In the fall, we trick-or-treated to all the neighborhoods surrounding the schoolyard, before grownups became tag-alongs. On my first Halloween excursion, my candy bag became so heavy it drug the ground. The bottom wore away and all my spoils spilled out. Between Christmas and New Year’s Day, we’d sojourn back to those same neighborhoods in quest of discarded Christmas trees with which to build our backyard fortresses (See my tale, The Tree Fort –another true story). 

My tall tale, Lenny the Loser, was inspired by the fact that, as a kid, I seldom won at anything. My dad, my mom, both my brothers– even my dog, had trophies for things like bowling, flying model airplanes, building model cars, or performing pet tricks on a local after-school TV show. Concerning anything sports-related, on my best day I was mediocre, one of the last kids picked. ‘Bench Warmer’ was my designated position on any team from which I wasn’t cut after the first practice. I did, however end up on an undefeated championship hardball team in high school (See my tale, Playing by the Rules, – yep, another true story).

In sixth grade art class I penciled a portrait of my best friend – his mom framed it. In high school I won awards for pen-and-ink and pencil drawings. I also cartooned for my high school, junior and senior college newspapers. One of my tales, Teodoro, actually occurred in high school.

I earned an Associate of Arts Degree at Amarillo Junior College and a Bachelor of Fine Arts Degree at Texas Tech, majoring in Advertising Art and minoring in Illustration. I worked at some of the biggest ad agencies in Dallas for over thirty years. I’ve directed photoshoots from helicopters and a B-25  bomber. I’ve presented campaign concepts to international clients.

When I joined Toastmasters International, I began competing at something where I truly excelled – Storytelling. Later, I began competing in Liar’s Contests. I amassed more trophies than I had shelf space and more tales than brain space. I needed to write my stories down, so I joined two writers’ guilds, where I learned a great deal about professional writing. I’ve been a member of the latter group for over a decade. 

I also joined two storytelling guilds. Attending the Tejas Storytellers Conference that fall in Denton, Texas, I found a brochure about a contest called, ‘Biggest Liar in Texas’, sponsored by the Houston Storytellers Guild. I moseyed on down there and entered.  Out of eight competitors, I was the last to take the stage. I told my tale, Name Calling. In that story, my mom changed her sons’ names to numbers– my name became, ‘Four’. When my story concluded, the judges compared their findings, and their results were announced. The emcee began by naming the third- and second-place winners. My name wasn’t called. After the applause died away, the emcee continued. “Our first-place winner tonight, and the biggest liar in Texas is…could I have a drum roll please?” After much knee-slapping by the audience, the emcee gestured for silence. After a prolonged pause, he shouted, “Four”. The audience cheered, as my heart sank. I’d lost – without even placing in the top three. Everyone, however, began patting me on the back, and I finally made the connection – Four was me.

I’ve lost a few contests. Sometimes I was soundly beaten. Other times I lost for the wrong reason.There’s no reversing an incorrect outcome after the winner has been declared and everyone has gone home. During one particular occasion, I couldn’t believe I’d lost, and neither could anyone else. Upon a protest from one of the judges after the contest it was revealed that two of the five judges sat together in the audience and compared notes – a judging no-no. Those two didn’t believe they could possibly be in the presence of the person who authored the story they’d just heard; to them it sounded too professional. Another time, not only did I not win, I failed to place in the top three. I received my score sheet in the mail several weeks after the contest. Receiving three nines and three tens from the six judges, I was only three points from a perfect score, and yet didn’t even place in the top three. Stunned, I showed my wife, who quickly pointed out where they had totaled my score incorrectly. They had given me a forty-seven instead of a fifty-seven. It turned out the contest had been rigged. One of their members was retiring and they wanted him to retire with a win.

I’m also now retired– from work, as well as competitive story telling. My wife and I moved to a house on a hilltop in east Texas that enjoys marvelous sunsets. I still meet with my fellow Dallas writers, who encourage me to continue writing. My wife’s been on me to gather my stories into a book, so that’s what this blog is all about. My book is titled, A Lie is a Lie, is a Lie, Because You’re Not Telling It Right. 

Actually, I’ve written several books. Because I’m neither famous nor infamous, I couldn’t find any agent interest in getting my manuscripts published, so I decided to self-publish. You can go to my Books I’ve Written blog page to sample any of my novels. All of my books are available on Amazon.