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All the things I never wanted to do in my lifetime and did them anyway

I have a long list of things to accomplish before I kick my bucket through the uprights of the Hereafter. So many, it’ll take two lifetimes to get ’em all in.

Learning the bagpipes seems attainable. Wingsuiting wouldn’t be totally out of reach, although high places creep me out. A royal flush in poker, log-rolling, acting in a movie, deep sea diving, walking on Mars, noodling, cool yoyo tricks– the list is endless.

From the day I was born I’ve lived a reward-hording quest as if the moment I exit my mortal existence, my mansion in the sky will have a driveway lined with storage pods.

On the flip side are all those things I never wanted to achieve and hoped they’d never happen while I still drew a breath. All the head-slapping, stomach-churning, foot-stomping calamities that go unmentioned on my resume. More often by default than design, those sub-par moments are what I look back upon and regret what I didn’t see coming. Never mind that those mess-ups and mishaps were side trips to the grindstone of life to hone my skills. They seemed more like imprudent undertakings that blew up on the launch pad.

Who in the world performs an end zone celebration
for fumbling the football?

For instance: I never wanted to own a cat, walk into the ladies room, or get hit by a cement mixer. Launching my boat without a drain plug wasn’t my finest hour. Poison ivy was absolutely no fun. Neither was waking up behind the wheel of a moving van exiting the highway sometime before sunup, minus any exit ramp. Watching someone get killed most certainly wasn’t what I had in mind for an enjoyable outing.

An optimist would say that these opportunities build character. A pessimist would say, “Better you than me.” My usual response was “Aw, crap, here we go again.”

The treasure trove I’ve amassed throughout my greedy existence is exhilarating, there’s no space in my trophy case for buzz-kills. I’ve never rejoiced in the incidents which failed my bucket list or Facebook page. Who in the world performs an end zone celebration for fumbling the football?

There’s a reason why ‘stuff happens’- why a quick-oil-change enterprise would forget to tighten my drain plug- or why one lone bowling pin can survive a perfectly thrown strike and remain upright.

It’s not so much that life isn’t fair. Fairness, as well as luck, are mere concepts. Life allows rotten things to happen to non-rotten-things-deserving people as much as people who need beating with a shovel. Only our failure to consider the gazillion ways that a plan could go sideways can be blamed for it not going as planned.

While I have no desire for the postings in this section to appear in my inevitable obituary, I’ve little doubt they will. These are the items that comprise my Waste Bucket List^©.

I invite you to share your similar experiences in the comment section below.