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All the things I never wanted to do in my lifetime and did them anyway

I have a long list of goals to accomplish before I kick my bucket through the uprights of the Hereafter. So many, it’ll take two lifetimes to get ’em all in.

Learning the bagpipes seems do-able. Wingsuiting wouldn’t be totally out of reach, although high places creep me out. A royal flush in poker, log-rolling, acting in a movie, deep sea diving, walking on Mars, noodling, cool yoyo tricks– the list is endless.

From the day I was born I’ve lived a reward-hording quest as if the moment I exit my mortal existence, my mansion in the sky will have a driveway lined with storage pods.

On the flip side, there are all those things I never wanted to do and hoped would never happen in my lifetime. All the head-slapping, stomach-churning, foot-stomping calamities that have gone unmentioned on my resume. More often by default than design, those sub-par moments are what I look back upon and regret what I didn’t see coming. Never mind that those mess-ups and mishaps were side trips to the grindstone of life to hone my skills.

No one performs an end zone dance
after fumbling the football

For instance: I never wanted to own a cat, walk into a crowded ladies room, or get hit by a cement mixer. Launching my boat without a drain plug wasn’t my finest hour. Poison ivy was absolutely no fun, nor was waking up behind the wheel of a moving van as it exited the highway sometime before sunup, minus an exit ramp. Watching someone fly a plane into the ground certainly wasn’t what I had in mind for an enjoyable outing.

An optimist would say that these opportunities build character. A pessimist would say, “Better you than me.” My usual response was “Aw, crap, here we go again.”

The treasure trove I’ve amassed throughout my greedy existence is exhilarating, there’s no shelf in my trophy case for buzz-kills. I’ve never rejoiced in the incidents which failed my bucket list or Facebook page. No one performs an end zone dance after fumbling the football.

There’s a reason why stuff happens- like a quick-oil-change business forgetting to tighten my drain plug- or one lone bowling pin remaining upright despite my perfectly thrown strike.

It’s not so much that life isn’t fair. Fairness, as well as luck, are mere concepts. Life allows rotten things to happen to non-rotten-things-deserving people as much as people who need beating with a shovel. Only our failure to consider the gazillion ways that a plan could go sideways can be blamed for it not flying straight.

While I have no desire for any of the postings in this section to appear in my inevitable obituary, I’ve little doubt they will. These are the items that comprise my Waste Bucket List©.

I invite you to share your similar experiences in the comment section below.